It’s easy to get caught up with fantasies and wild ideas about what “great sex” actually means, especially since every media outlet has a romanticized idea or opinion about it—whether it’s something you’ve read in a cosmopolitan article, or something you’ve seen in a rom-com or a racy shampoo commercial—sex is constantly being defined and redefined. But despite the various portrayals and reenactments that we’ve seen, there seems to be one common message unifying them all: great sex is about “immersing oneself,” “losing control,” or “being in the moment.” So if releasing our inhibitions is part of the solution to having mind-blowing sex with our partner, how can we open ourselves to experience a more satisfying sex life?
The answer is—by cultivating mindfulness. Mindfulness, the practice of relaxed wakefulness, is not only an ancient eastern practice, but also a useful treatment for psychiatric and medical illnesses, and, in recent years, “mindfulness has been incorporated into sex therapy” and has even been found “effective for sexual desire or arousal complaints” (Farb, 2012). I think the science behind therapeutic mindfulness is pretty impressive, but perhaps most impressive is that anyone can practice it, at free of charge too! 😉
How to practice mindfulness:
Connect with your partner’s breath.
I first heard about this concept from Tony Robbins, who used to work as a sex therapist, before he became a renowned speaker and big-time business guru. During his time as a therapist, Robbins consulted a vast number of troubled couples and concluded that a majority of partners were having problems as a result of a severed emotional connection. This truth led him to explore therapeutic ways to help rebuild and unite partners, which ultimately led him to discover the power of unified breathing, also known as tantric sex. Unified breathing involves synchronized breath between two people during an act of intimacy. By maintaining the same rhythm of inhaling and exhaling, while slowly deepening each breath, couples are able to naturally relax and bond with one another during sex (thus creating a deeper, sensual attraction).
Keep your eyes open.
As you’ve probably heard, the eyes are the window to the soul. According to tantric sex, when the eyes are open, they are receptive to forming an intimate connection and bond. (It’s no wonder that people tend to trust those they can keep good eye contact with).
Engage in Mindful activity.
I am a firm believer in meditation, and if you want to be more “in the moment” with your partner, you might want to consider meditating for 15-60 minutes (according to your meditation level) everyday. I highly recommend the headspace app for a quick, guided meditation practice that’s easy to use and follow.
Going to the gym, practicing yoga, running, dancing, or taking an outdoor walk at least 3-5 days a week is another great way to practice mindfulness. Exercise puts you in an attentive state of mind, in which you are able to focus on a task intently with non- judgment (avoid self-criticism!). And don’t forget to coordinate your breathing with your exercise movements, since focusing on the breath and motion will put you in a meditative type state (not to mention, your body releases endorphins that leave you feeling sexy, confident and balanced afterwards, which invariably = better sex).
Spice up your Space!
Tidying up your bedroom is absolutely crucial, so tuck away any unsexy clutter or junk you might have lying around. For more tips on how to keep your personal (and intimate) space clean, refer to my Mind, Body, Space cleaning guide. I have a lovely lavender remedy that you can use for your pillows to attract your partner. Remember that soothing, aromatic scents promote relaxation, as well as mindfulness, and are a great way to freshen things up in the bedroom! Other great sexy time scents include jasmine, ylang-ylang, or rose.
*Remember that practicing mindfulness as a way of boosting connection also involves encouraging your partner to be more mindful also. Following some of these tips are great for connecting, or reconnecting, sensually and intimately with your other half.
***If you found any of these tips useful, please share this post with others on social media. Also, if you have any questions, or anything to contribute to this topic feel free to leave a comment!
Farb, N. A. S., Anderson, A. K., & Segal, Z. V. (2012). The Mindful Brain and Emotion Regulation in Mood Disorders. Canadian Journal of Psychiatry. Revue Canadienne De Psychiatrie, 57(2), 70–77.
ModernHolisticLife Disclosure Statement:
This article is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure, or prevent disease. This article has not been reviewed by the FDA. Always consult with your primary care physician or naturopathic doctor before making any significant changes to your health and wellness routine.